I was tired, once.
It escapes me
Eyes stinging, head swimming, I rise from a bed of wood
A fallen pillow-case slides beneath my feet
Three bottles and an empty glass hide a clock that reads should
Should get out and be less depressed
They say depression is a black dog
But he’s never visited me
If he did, I’d put out food
And welcome the company
But I remember
I was tired once
In a different time
I was tired
But now when I lay down my head my mind awakes.
Remember the time you tripped during the school play? It says. See all these bills- how will you pay?
It reminds me of my shrinking world
Late-night drinking and memories of regret
I sip water from a tap, bending my neck
My bed calls
And I return, devout
Face by two choices:
Listen to my treacherous brain
Or drown it out
I need a distraction for my pain
But the laptop light hurts my eyes and moisture builds.
The headache returns.
My brain’s rebellion. It doesn’t like the screen.
Oh, listen to it scream
It wants to be alone with my fears.
Instead it has TV.
Flickering light and the voices of strangers for company.
It’s better not to be alone when the dark is provoked
When the bottles run dry and my fears uncloaked
Too late now to sleep
I stare mindlessly
until my doubts give up
And what’s left isn’t me
I was tired